Love magic is a tricky subject.
It’s one of the most popular forms of witchcraft, because it stems from a universal need.
We know all about love potions and spells; amarres and agua de calzón if you’re from somewhere in Latinoamérica. We’ve seen the cautionary tales about how all these tricks don’t create real love, but rather the illusion of it. And yet we try.
We light our candles and pray our prayers. Hoping that our soulmate, our other half, our “twin flame” will come to us. Or wishing that the person we turned into the object of our desire finally sees us as the one for them. But what are the implications of this approach? And is that all love magic has to offer?
I believe there’s validity in the traditional vision.
For the longest time, women, and people perceived as such, have used this type of witchcraft to protect themselves. In situations where society strips them from their rights and assigns them the role of the caretaker. Creating a culture that sees them as less valuable and subservient. And where not being in a romantic relationship is seen as a failure.
It’s not a surprise that these environments pave the way towards abusive marriages and unions. Intimate relationships that reinforce systems of oppression on a personal level. Because when abuse is normalized in the way we interact with the people we love, it’s harder for us to recognize institutional exploitation.
So, when the physical world is set up to work against you, the natural way to fight back is through the spiritual world. There are many stories of marginalized women using sweetener spells to calm down an abusive partner. Binding rituals to keep a cheater at bay. Passion potions to prevent their husband from abandoning them and their children.
And though it may sound easy to say: “why don’t you just leave him?” or “have a little self-respect.” Who are we to judge the way someone survives oppression and injustice? Particularly when it comes to dynamics that are so ingrained in our education, our cultures, and our institutions. To the point where questioning them isn’t even an option for most because there’s no awareness of wrongdoing to begin.
That’s why I also believe it’s important to question this approach to love magic.
Because while there’s validity on using this type of witchcraft for protection. There’s also an ethical conversation to be had once we become self-aware. Especially if we genuinely believe in the power of spiritual practices.
At its core, this side of love magic is about bending someone else’s will. And that’s where the conversation about consent enters the chat. The way I see it, if I truly believe that my spells and rituals will work, I need to approach them as any other interaction I would have in the physical world.
If there’s someone I like, I would do things to catch their attention. Whether it’s glamor rituals to exude attractiveness. That may range from clothing & makeup, to elaborated shining spells. Or by trying to connect with them through our interests and similarities.
But if in my attempts to create a bond I realize that the other person isn’t interested, or worse that they’re mistreating me in any way. Like putting me down, making fun of me or expecting more from me than what they’re willing to give. Then it turns into a relationship I’m not interested in pursuing. My reaction wouldn’t be to put something in their food to push them into liking me. Because they already decided that they’re not that into me, and what they’re willing to offer me isn’t what I want.
But if I do, if I perform a love spell on them. I know that I would only be creating an illusion that will require me to put in the extra work into keeping someone that doesn’t see what’s so great about me. And to me, that would be embarrassing as hell, because I’d be aware that the relationship is not organic and honest.
Then I also think about how I would feel if I was on the receiving end. If I find out that someone I’m not into is doing love magic on me. That they fed me their bodily fluids without my consent. Just to get me to bend to their will and engage in a sexual and romantic relationship with them. I would think that they’re a creep and they would catch these hands. Because who the hell gave them the right?
And I’m not saying that a love spell of this type is on the same level as physically drugging someone and assaulting them. I’m saying that someone that has no regard for my spiritual boundaries and autonomy, is someone that most likely won't respect me on other levels. Including romantically, emotionally, economically, and yes, sexually. And I don’t think that’s a good foundation to build an intimate relationship.
Love is one of the strongest spiritual forces that make existence worth it. We all need it to thrive and be happy. And while I don’t buy into the fallacy that we can’t love others until we love ourselves. I believe that the more we heal and work on self-love, the healthier our relationships of any kind become.
Because when I know my worth, it’s easier for me to realize when I’ve been tricked into an abusive relationship. When I become self-aware, it’s easier to be aware of my surroundings. And when I love myself, it’s easier to accept a type of love that is kind and pure. A love that won’t make me beg for it. A love that is mutual and grounded in communication and respect.
Love magic can be liberating when it’s rooted in consent and reciprocity. When our bonds to others don’t depend on tying up an unwilling partner by our side. And the point of analyzing the ethics of love magic isn’t to shame anyone that partakes in these will bending rituals. But to pay attention to the way in which we approach relationships. And to be aware of the implications of our actions, by considering how they affect us and others.
And if you want to take something out of the topic of ethical love magic, I would like it to be the knowledge that you deserve a love that makes you feel safe. A love that excites you and isn’t afraid to scream how valuable you are. A love that brings you comfort, that warms your heart, that encourages you to grow and become the person you want to be. You deserve to be loved fully, without sacrificing your self-respect and integrity. Without violence and resistance. Without silencing the beautiful parts of who you are.
Because more than a drunken infatuation. You deserve a love that’s aware and sober, that will want to stay with you once the spell fades away.
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